The last few weeks have been stressful at our house. There have been outside factors (Dad's pacemaker) (doctor appointments)(taxes, and other scary finances) and, in a much larger way, internal factors. One of the biggest ones is the 'invisible' nature of the issues we deal with on a daily basis. Out in public, or at church, or on a simple field trip, Mayahna and Ricky appear to be (mostly) normal kids who are even 'sweet' and 'cute' a lot of the time. This is NO reflection on what we experience at home. Here at home we have constant issues with defiance, lying, 'forgetfulness' in relation to responsibility, impulsiveness, even, lately, anger, on the part of Ricky, who gets ANGRY with me, when I have to give him consequences. And with this comes 'weariness' and a perpetual state of being perturbed on the part of the other three siblings (who can blame them - it is CONSTANT!)
Many would say, ' Oh, all kids lie.' Or, 'All kids are forgetful about their chores'. But there is a constant nature and an intensity of the issues that is difficult to describe.
For instance, on the impulsiveness issue. Mayahna (she is SEVEN, remember) decided she needed to see the birdies better out her bedroom window. So she opened it, (heaven knows the glass is not clear enough) and pushed the screen out. I'm not entirely sure she didn't try to crawl out on the roof. (oh, and did I mention that this was during the time in the morning, when she is supposed to be lying on her bed, quietly, till someone gets her up?) So, she is grounded to staying in my physical presence at all times. Now, she has a tendency to use this to her advantage and be constantly demanding my attention for minute little things and at the most inappropriate moments. Which, again, is not a big deal, unless it's constant and continuous. Which it is.
I'm tired. Something has to change or I am not going to make it through the next 11 years (till Mayahna is 18 - as if that will be the end!)
There needs to be an ability for me to say to Ricky "Bring me your folder, so I can check it" and he actually shows up, in some reasonable amount of time, and shows me his folder. I need to be able to say to Tommy - 'please go empty the garbage', and know that not only does he take out the bag, ALL the way to the trash can, and replaces the lid afterwards, he makes sure that there is no trash laying around on the ground, around the trash can, and puts a new liner in. I need to be able to say to Mayahna, 'Lay quietly on your bed, until someone gets you up' and not have to listen to 15-20 'loud yawns' (reminding me that she is still there, and would like to get up).
I love table games. But I do NOT like this kind of games. I'm worn out.
Would table games as a reward for good behavior? Are there support groups for parents of RAD kids?
ReplyDeleteI also have an "I'm tired. Something has to change or I am not going to make it" situation. Kicker is...the change has to be me. I find I am most "tired" when things are not going the way I want them to, or I'm unconsciously thinking things will "always" be like this, or I'm feeling "alone" in my struggle. I try to remind myself of "progress, not perfection."
This may be far fetched...it's Orthodox Holy Week...services are daily, and calm, quiet, peaceful,...restorative... Change of place, change of pace....
I will try to pray more for you.
It's a VERY delicate balance of 'reward' for good behavior, and letting yourself be manipulated by the child. We are in the process of getting theraputic counseling that will help us sort that all out. And, I'm in a closed Facebook page for parents of RAD kids, sometimes it's the only place I can go where other people 'get it'. And it also helps to go there, because alot of those moms are dealing with WAY more than what we have. So I learn real fast that things could be WAY worse!!
DeleteI'm planning to do some gardening today, that should be pretty restorative.
thanks for your prayers!!
HI Sharon,
ReplyDeleteI have no words of wisdom to share. Just know you are not alone. I could hardly look my kiddos in the eye this morning and I know why... and it's me. I get tired of the behavior and I want to run away from it all. It's overwhelming and it gets me when I let it get me, and (when I've been sick for nearly a month, like now). The truth is the kiddos have been reasonably mellow.... but the quirks and the weird and the off-beat, the social ineptness, the manipulation is still there. It's who they are right now. Though I'm not having to deal with a tantrum I'm still having to be vigilant. Last night it was, "Child, don't stand in our visitor's face. That's is not an appropriate question to ask him. Let our visitors talk, back off, no you may not play the piano while our visitors are trying to converse in this room, invite the boy your age to go bike riding, but don't hover and tell him how to ride it".... all in the space of 15 minutes and it's CONSTANT, like you say. It gets to the point that I need a break and a total attitude adjustment.
Have you ever heard of a Grizzly Run? It's the reason we are NOT dealing with tantrums this week. At week ago was tantrum city, anger, retaliation and big time disrespect. This week nothing ! I put a chart on the fridge. One half is Missy's the other is James each of their sides is divided in two. One section says "You've been caught being sweet!" and the other says "Dad's Running Partner". That's it. I say nothing. I walk over to the fridge and put a mark in the appropriate spot when there are "events" in our interactions. The marks in the "You've been caught being sweet" section merits a sweet treat at supper. I think you can guess the rest..... :-) It's an experiment. I haven't blogged about it yet because we are watching to see how it goes. They've gone running with dad twice.
We sure don't have the issues with a child wanting to get up and wake the house.... but then, we wake them up at 6 for worship. :-)
One more thing.... Have you heard of Neurological Reorganization? We're going to do it, after the foster babies go home. Here's a gal who is doing it with her adopted child now in Alabama: http://nomoremoves.blogspot.com/ There is some information on in on the web. I watched a You Tube and I'm ordering a DVD.
ReplyDeleteJust a thought...
I want to look into this - I think it would really help - particularly with Ricky.
Deleteoh, sorry.... ONE more thing :-)
ReplyDeletecheck this out!!!
http://content.brainhighways.com/public/video/