Ok - I'm going to admit it - I don't like wind. As much as I love this new house, and as perfect as it is in many ways, when it gets windy, I get nervous. Too many trees around us. And the house creeks. I suppose most houses do, on a windy day, and perhaps I'm just really sensitive to the house creaking. Maybe that is part of the reason God put us in this house. So that we would have to keep leaning on Him, when we feel frightened. Gonna be some leaning going on today!
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
No words. Well, some, actually...
You'll have to excuse me for a moment, I'm about to vent.
I got on facebook this morning, just to see what is 'new'. And discovered, much to my dismay, that what was 'new' was that one of the moms in the network of support groups for parents of RAD kids was murdered by her daughter some time in the last few days - her body was found yesterday. I had not personally interacted with her, because there are several different groups in different places (Yahoo, Google+, Facebook, etc) and I choose to limit my involvement to facebook, and she was not in that particular group. But we ALL feel a DEEP camaraderie because we deal DAILY with the challenges of RAD, and we understand each other on a level that those who don't know RAD just simply can't understand us.
I'm betting, even now, that some of you are saying to yourself 'what is RAD?'. See that is part of the problem. We need an awareness campaign similar to the type of thing that has been going on in the Autism/Austpergers community over the last few years. People need to understand that when foster children get adopted, that is not the end of the road. There is not always a 'Happily Ever After' for many of these kids. When children survive trauma at a very young age, it takes specialized help to get them to heal in a way that allows them to have a normal relationship with those who want to love them. And unfortunately that help is #1 difficult to find, #2 challenging to implement, #3 expensive, and #4 often not covered by insurance or the medicaid that these children are 'covered' under. Indeed, many counselors don't even know that specialized training is needed in order to be able to effectively help these children. Honestly, googleing 'RAD' doesn't even bring up an answer to what it is in the top five entries - as was pointed out by an astute reader. RAD is 'Reactive Attachment Disorder' - it comes about when a child is traumatized early in their life, and, thus becomes impaired in their ability to form bonds with other people who might come into their life later, and want to love them. It can also effect brain development in other, unexpected ways, depending one when the trauma happens and how severe it is.
The daily challenges are exhausting. And my two and a half RADishes are not even that severe, probably actually not even R-A-D as much as A-A (Attachment Affected - which is not an official diagnosis that is even 'in the book' just a better description of what we are dealing with) we usually just describe them as having 'attachment issues'. In fact, my involvement in the RAD groups has mostly helped me in that I often come away with a clear view of how bad it could be if they were more severe. But these kids, even the less affected ones, are injured on such a primal level that they instinctively push away anyone who wants to love them. They say/do things that undermine your ability to want to love them. They also have 'brain development' issues because of when/how their emotional injuries took place. For instance, they often have a complete inability to 'sense' when they are full when they are eating, so the parent has to do that work for them, telling them when they need to be done eating. And that is just one SMALL example of the 'hand's on' style of parenting that they require (many of the other parents are dealing with children who are still in diapers at age 12, or other 'fun' bathroom related issues!). 'Vigilant parenting' is such an understatement as to be completely laughable. OF COURSE we have to be vigilant. If even ONE instance of RAD behavior is let to slip by, it will multiply and grow exponentially.
One of the biggest frustrations we all face, though, is the judgement we get from those around us that don't understand RAD. And let me stop right here and say - if you have done this, don't beat yourself up - everyone does, you are not alone. Heck even >> I << did it to other parents of RAD kids, before we got our kiddos!
But our kids' behaviors often come across as sweet and cute to those who don't know them well, or, even, sometimes to those who DO know them pretty well, but don't understand their 'issues'. And our responses, as parents, to those 'sweet and cute' behaviors will often come across as somewhat harsh. It's so tiring to know that people whom I care about sometimes judge me to be part of the problem because I am being 'too harsh' with them. It's a TOUGH style of parenting, and not our first choice of ways to have to treat them, but there are indications that it WORKS, we have SEEN it help in our own kids' lives, so we DO it because we want what is best for our kid. Please don't judge us.
It's also TIRING. And often people don't understand just HOW tiring it is, because when they (KINDly) take our kids for us for short periods of time, the kids are angelic! "What could possibly be so hard about parenting these wonderful children?" But the kids save their 'behaviors' for when other people are not around.
The human spirit is incredibly deeply programmed for survival. And when the psyche is injured at a young age, it becomes VERY defensive by nature and VERY capable of manipulating and playing the situation to it's best advantage. These kids are PROFESSIONALS at this process. They are generally very sweet in public and to those who they do not see on a daily basis. They save their 'behaviors' for those who are trying to get the closest to them, because, deep down inside, they know that we hold the most power to hurt them again. So they work VERY hard at making SURE we can not get close enough to have that power.
There is help available. Nationally there are probably several hundred, maybe as many as a thousand counselors who have specialized training in helping these children heal. You do the math, if you are 'lucky' and live in a large metropolis, you MAY get to choose between two counselors who can help you, and chances are they don't take insurance, and CERTAINLY aren't on the Medicaid plan that foster/adopt children are supposedly 'covered' by. And the other frightening thing is that a counselor who does not have the specialized training will often only make things WORSE, because they don't understand the unique challenges, and the child often manages to play the counselor against the parent (another skill of these cherubs - triangulation - playing one adult against another) and parents have actually been accused of various abuses by counselors who believed the lies that a RAD child so charmingly, and convincingly, told them.
Oh, yes, that is one of the other BIG challenges. Lies are second nature to these kids. They will deny that they sky is blue if they think it will somehow benefit them if it is green instead. And they will stand there and stare up at you with a blue sky-background around your face and insist, with a sweet smile on their face, that the sky is green.
Try living with THAT on a day-in-day-out basis.
I'm not trying to whine and complain here, I guess I'm just trying to do my part, in getting the awareness out there. Please, if you know a parent of a RAD child, don't judge them. Support them. You may not understand them, you may think that things are 'odd' - but don't judge them. Please. Pray for them, and help them, if you can. And if you really want to make a difference, educate yourself, (www.attachment.org is a good place to start) and help get the word out, so that others will become aware of this challenging 'disorder' and perhaps we can work some change into the 'system' and actually get these kids, and the families that are trying to help them, some HELP. Before any more members of the support groups are found stabbed to death in their own beds.
I got on facebook this morning, just to see what is 'new'. And discovered, much to my dismay, that what was 'new' was that one of the moms in the network of support groups for parents of RAD kids was murdered by her daughter some time in the last few days - her body was found yesterday. I had not personally interacted with her, because there are several different groups in different places (Yahoo, Google+, Facebook, etc) and I choose to limit my involvement to facebook, and she was not in that particular group. But we ALL feel a DEEP camaraderie because we deal DAILY with the challenges of RAD, and we understand each other on a level that those who don't know RAD just simply can't understand us.
I'm betting, even now, that some of you are saying to yourself 'what is RAD?'. See that is part of the problem. We need an awareness campaign similar to the type of thing that has been going on in the Autism/Austpergers community over the last few years. People need to understand that when foster children get adopted, that is not the end of the road. There is not always a 'Happily Ever After' for many of these kids. When children survive trauma at a very young age, it takes specialized help to get them to heal in a way that allows them to have a normal relationship with those who want to love them. And unfortunately that help is #1 difficult to find, #2 challenging to implement, #3 expensive, and #4 often not covered by insurance or the medicaid that these children are 'covered' under. Indeed, many counselors don't even know that specialized training is needed in order to be able to effectively help these children. Honestly, googleing 'RAD' doesn't even bring up an answer to what it is in the top five entries - as was pointed out by an astute reader. RAD is 'Reactive Attachment Disorder' - it comes about when a child is traumatized early in their life, and, thus becomes impaired in their ability to form bonds with other people who might come into their life later, and want to love them. It can also effect brain development in other, unexpected ways, depending one when the trauma happens and how severe it is.
The daily challenges are exhausting. And my two and a half RADishes are not even that severe, probably actually not even R-A-D as much as A-A (Attachment Affected - which is not an official diagnosis that is even 'in the book' just a better description of what we are dealing with) we usually just describe them as having 'attachment issues'. In fact, my involvement in the RAD groups has mostly helped me in that I often come away with a clear view of how bad it could be if they were more severe. But these kids, even the less affected ones, are injured on such a primal level that they instinctively push away anyone who wants to love them. They say/do things that undermine your ability to want to love them. They also have 'brain development' issues because of when/how their emotional injuries took place. For instance, they often have a complete inability to 'sense' when they are full when they are eating, so the parent has to do that work for them, telling them when they need to be done eating. And that is just one SMALL example of the 'hand's on' style of parenting that they require (many of the other parents are dealing with children who are still in diapers at age 12, or other 'fun' bathroom related issues!). 'Vigilant parenting' is such an understatement as to be completely laughable. OF COURSE we have to be vigilant. If even ONE instance of RAD behavior is let to slip by, it will multiply and grow exponentially.
One of the biggest frustrations we all face, though, is the judgement we get from those around us that don't understand RAD. And let me stop right here and say - if you have done this, don't beat yourself up - everyone does, you are not alone. Heck even >> I << did it to other parents of RAD kids, before we got our kiddos!
But our kids' behaviors often come across as sweet and cute to those who don't know them well, or, even, sometimes to those who DO know them pretty well, but don't understand their 'issues'. And our responses, as parents, to those 'sweet and cute' behaviors will often come across as somewhat harsh. It's so tiring to know that people whom I care about sometimes judge me to be part of the problem because I am being 'too harsh' with them. It's a TOUGH style of parenting, and not our first choice of ways to have to treat them, but there are indications that it WORKS, we have SEEN it help in our own kids' lives, so we DO it because we want what is best for our kid. Please don't judge us.
It's also TIRING. And often people don't understand just HOW tiring it is, because when they (KINDly) take our kids for us for short periods of time, the kids are angelic! "What could possibly be so hard about parenting these wonderful children?" But the kids save their 'behaviors' for when other people are not around.
The human spirit is incredibly deeply programmed for survival. And when the psyche is injured at a young age, it becomes VERY defensive by nature and VERY capable of manipulating and playing the situation to it's best advantage. These kids are PROFESSIONALS at this process. They are generally very sweet in public and to those who they do not see on a daily basis. They save their 'behaviors' for those who are trying to get the closest to them, because, deep down inside, they know that we hold the most power to hurt them again. So they work VERY hard at making SURE we can not get close enough to have that power.
There is help available. Nationally there are probably several hundred, maybe as many as a thousand counselors who have specialized training in helping these children heal. You do the math, if you are 'lucky' and live in a large metropolis, you MAY get to choose between two counselors who can help you, and chances are they don't take insurance, and CERTAINLY aren't on the Medicaid plan that foster/adopt children are supposedly 'covered' by. And the other frightening thing is that a counselor who does not have the specialized training will often only make things WORSE, because they don't understand the unique challenges, and the child often manages to play the counselor against the parent (another skill of these cherubs - triangulation - playing one adult against another) and parents have actually been accused of various abuses by counselors who believed the lies that a RAD child so charmingly, and convincingly, told them.
Oh, yes, that is one of the other BIG challenges. Lies are second nature to these kids. They will deny that they sky is blue if they think it will somehow benefit them if it is green instead. And they will stand there and stare up at you with a blue sky-background around your face and insist, with a sweet smile on their face, that the sky is green.
Try living with THAT on a day-in-day-out basis.
I'm not trying to whine and complain here, I guess I'm just trying to do my part, in getting the awareness out there. Please, if you know a parent of a RAD child, don't judge them. Support them. You may not understand them, you may think that things are 'odd' - but don't judge them. Please. Pray for them, and help them, if you can. And if you really want to make a difference, educate yourself, (www.attachment.org is a good place to start) and help get the word out, so that others will become aware of this challenging 'disorder' and perhaps we can work some change into the 'system' and actually get these kids, and the families that are trying to help them, some HELP. Before any more members of the support groups are found stabbed to death in their own beds.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Who knew?
Man I miss that little guy. Hard to believe he was only a part of our lives for a few short months. He was such a sweetie. Lilly is enjoying being allowed all around the house. We'll have to keep our bedroom door closed, and the bathroom doors. But it's sure fun to have her playful little spirit wandering around. I do have to wonder if she is looking for Elliot though. Emma and I went and got one of those cat towers for her, that has rope on the post, so she can sharpen her claws there. She likes it, but mostly just had SO much fun exploring! I think I'm going to like having an indoor cat. We let her out of Em's spare oom just before the game came on, so as we were watching she was wandering around getting into mischief. I think she'll keep us entertained.
We are on a 'week off' this week. So it will be a BIT more relaxed than usual. The three oldest didn't get much done the last two weeks, so they all have some catch up work to finish up. And the three youngest have a bit from the last few days. I have a BUNCH of projects to tackle some of which I've started already. For one, I want to re-organize my recipe file notebook.
Anyway - need to get some sleep. It was a good game. But we always pig out so bad on junk-food, I feel like I have a rock in my stomach.
Here's hoping that all my friends out there who are not feeling well are better soon - seems alot of you are sick or know someone close to you who is.
We are on a 'week off' this week. So it will be a BIT more relaxed than usual. The three oldest didn't get much done the last two weeks, so they all have some catch up work to finish up. And the three youngest have a bit from the last few days. I have a BUNCH of projects to tackle some of which I've started already. For one, I want to re-organize my recipe file notebook.
Anyway - need to get some sleep. It was a good game. But we always pig out so bad on junk-food, I feel like I have a rock in my stomach.
Here's hoping that all my friends out there who are not feeling well are better soon - seems alot of you are sick or know someone close to you who is.
Elliot is gone.
When we woke up on Saturday, he was not holding his head up, and he was having a hard time breathing. We were supposed to switch back to the essential oils on Saturday morning, and give them one more try, but he was so bad off, and we knew that if he continued to get worse, we would have to go to an emergency vet rather than the nice new vet we met last week. She was only open from 8-10 on Saturday (only weekend hours) and so we had to make the call that things were definitely getting worse, not better and take him in to help him ease into a restful place. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I've had MANY pets, through the years, but not ONE of them has had to be put to sleep (with the possible exception of the dog my parents still had when I went off to college, I don't remember how he died) all the others have just died or gotten hit by cars or just disappeared (outdoor cats tend to do that). The vet was VERY kind and very gentle with Sarah. It was hard for Sarah. She had been saying, two weeks ago, when we first found out, that she just wanted me to take him, in the morning, and leave him there, and not know when/how it happened. Over the last two weeks her heart changed and she wanted to be there FOR HIM. It was HARD for her to do. At one point, she had to leave the room. But she came back. And she held him and talked to him and told him how she would always remember him, and then he was gone. The vet took him and expressed his bladder and made print of his paw, on a little piece of clay. And we took him home, to bury him. She wanted some Panda Express food, and some chocolate milk, so we stopped and picked that up, and she wanted to watch a movie, so we watched Spider Man. Not your typical Sabbath fare, but everyone else was at church and sometimes you have to just roll with it, and provide comfort for your child in whatever form it needs to be in. In the afternoon, her friend, Rosee, who is home from academy this weekend, for homeleave, came over and they did some baking in the kitchen and then just hung out. I think she's going to be ok. She misses him. And she is sad. But she's going to be ok. She knows that he blessed her, and she blessed him, with the love that they had for each-other, and while it was short, she is glad that she had him.
Lilly was lonely yesterday - Emma was gone on a Pathfinder Caving Adventure, and so she was up in Emma's 'spare oom' all day by herself. Several of us went up, several times, throughout the day and spent time with her, and Rosee and Sarah took her up to Sarah's room for a while, in the evening. I'm a tad concerned about her, because her eyes seem to be dilated alot of the time. It can be in indicator of health issues in cats when their eyes stay dilated, like that, but it can also be fear. She seems so healthy otherwise, though, so I'm hoping it's just fear, in not knowing what has happened to her little pal. Poor thing.
Sarah is already talking about getting a new pet. Maybe an older cat, maybe a kitten. The vet is going to work with one of the shelters in town, where the cats tend to be more healthy, and help find a good match for Sarah. We are hoping that Lilly will accept a new friend.
Some good friends, here in town, got a new dog yesterday. I thought it was sort of odd, how one family is grieving, and another, is enjoying the fun of a new sweet little pet. Isn't that how life is? One family grieves, while another has joy. I remember in the days right after my mother died, being amazed that the sun still came up, and the rest of the people in the world were still just doing the stuff that they would do, anyway. Life is like that. It rolls on. There will be other, more joyful days. I'm proud of my girl, for just BEING in the sadness, and not trying to push it away. I'm glad that I was able to be there with her, and for her. That God has given me enough healing, to not try to stuff it, as I might have done in the past. What would we do, without that understanding of God being one who wants what is best for us, provides that healing, and has planned a way for us to get out of this broken world and get away from sadness? Indeed. What would we do?
Lilly was lonely yesterday - Emma was gone on a Pathfinder Caving Adventure, and so she was up in Emma's 'spare oom' all day by herself. Several of us went up, several times, throughout the day and spent time with her, and Rosee and Sarah took her up to Sarah's room for a while, in the evening. I'm a tad concerned about her, because her eyes seem to be dilated alot of the time. It can be in indicator of health issues in cats when their eyes stay dilated, like that, but it can also be fear. She seems so healthy otherwise, though, so I'm hoping it's just fear, in not knowing what has happened to her little pal. Poor thing.
Sarah is already talking about getting a new pet. Maybe an older cat, maybe a kitten. The vet is going to work with one of the shelters in town, where the cats tend to be more healthy, and help find a good match for Sarah. We are hoping that Lilly will accept a new friend.
Some good friends, here in town, got a new dog yesterday. I thought it was sort of odd, how one family is grieving, and another, is enjoying the fun of a new sweet little pet. Isn't that how life is? One family grieves, while another has joy. I remember in the days right after my mother died, being amazed that the sun still came up, and the rest of the people in the world were still just doing the stuff that they would do, anyway. Life is like that. It rolls on. There will be other, more joyful days. I'm proud of my girl, for just BEING in the sadness, and not trying to push it away. I'm glad that I was able to be there with her, and for her. That God has given me enough healing, to not try to stuff it, as I might have done in the past. What would we do, without that understanding of God being one who wants what is best for us, provides that healing, and has planned a way for us to get out of this broken world and get away from sadness? Indeed. What would we do?
Friday, February 1, 2013
"Sadly, to a worse place, faster than anticipated..."
That's the quote from the holistic vet this morning. We are trying another homeopathic, and are supposed to let the vet know if he responds to it in the next couple of hours. Sarah is wanting to ditch it all and go back to the essential oils, that seemed to be helping over the weekend last weekend. His temp is sub-normal and he is clearly uncomfortable, but they are still assuring us that he is not suffering... yet (when he is having a hard time breathing is the point that that kicks in). FIP is a very up and down thing, so he may rally again, as he has done, before, this is not the end, necessarily, but it is sure hard to see him so 'down'. He doesn't seem any worse than he was last Tuesday evening, though. He still gets up and walks around. Poor Snoopy seems to know that something is wrong, and wants to be near him, Elliot doesn't seem to mind him being near-by.
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