Partly because of sweet tea that I drank yesterday, so that I could stay awake driving, and partly because I'm processing some stuff, and my mind won't shut down.
Apparently the house got knocked down last weekend some time. Lon stopped there on his way home on Friday to sift through the rubble in the master bedroom a bit, and see if he could find a couple of cords he is missing from his Ham Radio stuff. Didn't find them, but, as usual, did find a few other things that we might want... I have not been up there in a couple of weeks. He said that all the cabinets and appliances, etc have been removed. That shoulda been a bit of a clue. But I didn't catch it. He went back up on Monday to pull out his old peg board. He was working on organizing he new workshop and discovered that the peg board here is a different size, so he went to get the old stuff early on Monday morning, and discovered that the house had been knocked down.
It sort of ticked me off at first. We had asked that they let us know when it was going to happen, so that we could watch. But I hadn't thought about the idea that we might still want to go get a few more things. Every time we went, we always came home with more stuff than what we set out to get. Always found one or two (or twenty) more items that had not been important enough on the last trip, or we had not seen.
This morning, laying here, I'm thinking about the projects I want to get done tomorrow and Sunday, organizing the school room and Emma's bedroom. I started thinking about the play room, and how there was so much insulation down in there, and it made it really hard to sift through the stuff in there, and how I really was not a part of retrieving the stuff that DID get pulled out of there, and we left alot behind. It seemed like a good thing, at the time, to simplify. Now, I'm wondering if there are some important items that we overlooked, particularly for the large playmobile sets. Whatever. Why is this keeping me awake at 3:00 in the morning. (or is it really the tea?) I guess I still have some processing to do regarding losses that did happen. While I'm loving the process of simplifying, and setting up a new place here, in our new home (you should see our living room!!!) I might have been a bit hasty about leaving some things behind.
I think that the fact that the house is gone now has sort of triggered the realization that losses did happen, and need to be dealt with.
I'm sure, that over the coming year we will continue to find things that are missing. Last Sabbath Lon suddenly realized that one of his favorite pairs of slacks is not in the closet. Apparently was not saved.
I have a large box that is a box that I had not dealt with from the previous move, it's all the little 'things I should scrap-book'. Unfortunately the bottom of the box DID get wet at some point, so I KNOW that stuff in there is going to be ruined and lost. I have been avoiding unpacking it. I have considered just tossing the whole thing and not even going through it to see what can be saved. It still sits, waiting for a day when I feel 'up to tackling it'.
Last weekend when I was organizing my craft stuff I discovered that the bin that I had all the old Christmas cards we have received over the years stashed in, had gotten water in it and had mildewed. I didn't have any specific plans for them, I never got them out and looked at them... why did it bother me so much yesterday, when I saw the bin, setting on the floor, empty, with the label still on it "old Christmas Cards"?
Perhaps I'm just processing, perhaps it's just part of what we have to go through, part of the 'grieving process' Perhaps it's 'normal'. That is where I am, though, and I guess, I'm not complaining, or wishing I was not here, just sharing where I am, because I know that alot of you care. And I appreciate that.
I'm also processing on the spiritual side. So many times, when you go through something intense you get close to God, and then when you get past it, it's easy to fall back into old habits, and that is definitely happening. I wish it wasn't. But it is. I did get some recommendations for some good books yesterday - and not even in a conversation where I was sharing my 'stuff' and someone said "Oh- you should read this book..." It was just "Hey - I'm reading this GREAT book" and as she begins to describe it, I realize it is just what I think I need right now. So, after I get the books all unpacked and organized (today or Sunday hopefully) I might take a look at getting those books (there is another book I want to read, that I can't remember whether I had bought it just before the storm, so I need to unpack before I buy any new books) I just need to process some more on the spiritual side of things. I need to delve into the whole 'feelings' thing, and figure out what to do with my emotional side, now that I am (hopefully) walking away from the depression that has dogged my steps for so many years. My emotions are still pretty deeply buried. They come out at odd times, like laying here thinking about what toys might have gotten left behind, and other times they don't, when they should, like when people hand us AMAZING amounts of money.
Someone told me yesterday that I need to record the financial blessings side of this whole thing, so that we don't forget. I guess I have not been specific about some of it here. Just alluded to it. But the hugest part is the reduction of debt. We were under water on both the truck and the trailer, owed a good deal more than they were worth. Knew we needed to sell them, and get a less expensive vehicle to drive and just not have a trailer. But there were so many sentimental attachments, particularly to the trailer. It was our summer home. By the lake. We couldn't part with it easily. And besides, how do you sell something that you owe more on than it's worth? They are both gone now, and so is the debt that went with them, and the monthly payments that had to go out. And the insurance covered the purchase of the new vehicle we purchased out-right with cash, to replace the truck. The truck was totaled - every body panel, every piece of glass had a dent or a scratch. They would have had to re-build or repair the whole entire body. Emma and Tommy were both VERY sad to see it go. They still talk about it, alot. "I miss our truck" they'll say. I do too. But I'm enjoying driving something smaller, too! And I DON'T miss the almost $800/month payments! Not ONE bit. Or the 20+K debt that was still hanging over our heads. Just knocking those two out, and one of our consumer credit cards that was willing to settle, has put us in a position of being able to look forward, in a debt-stacking spread sheet, and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Within two years, we should be out of debt, and have enough money in the bank to cover ourselves if Lon has another gap between contracts.
People have been SO generous with us, helping us out and blessing us with gifts of money and support through prayer, and one person has offered a low interest loan so we can pay off some other debts. All are GREATLY appreciated. It has all created a sense of God taking CARE of us. Providing a way to replace the things that were lost, and even enough extra to do a couple of special things, like sending Emma out for camp at MiVoden, and planning a trip to Hawaii for Lon and I for our 25th. I hope that doesn't seem extravagant. Most people have said nice things like "What a blessing - You need that" - but I'm still concerned that people who gave to us will wonder about the way we are using the money. It is a trip we promised to Lon's folks 25 years ago, when they had their 25th the year we got married and didn't get to do much because they were helping with the wedding. We said "We'll take you to Hawaii for your 50th and our 25th!" They said "We'll go before then!" and they have not - we consider it a direct blessing, and honestly, there was ONE donation that covered ALL of it, AND Emma's camp trip, so it was CLEAR that it was something God wanted us to do! What a blessing that He has even seen to making sure that we can keep that promise we made, even though Lon's folks would have TOTALLY understood if we hadn't been able to. And it is no small factor that we have something to look forward to in December, either. Sort of like Emma, getting away for a bit, as she SO needed to do, we'll be able to come away, and spend some time just relaxing. That will be a good thing, I'm sure. I know that just looking forward to it has done wonders already, for BOTH Lon and I!
An area of specific prayer, as we move forward, besides the ongoing processing that is happening for ALL of us, would be Lon's study of i-OS. He wants to begin developing i-phone apps, and making a little extra $ on the side with that, to help pay the debt down even faster. So pray for him, that he will find time to work on learning that, and that he will have a clear mind, to learn it quickly. And that, once he learns it, he finds an opportunity to use his new knowledge well. We have SO felt the power of having a lot of people praying for us, and we have been richly blessed by it, on SO many different levels. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.
We have felt your love, and HIS love and we count it as a huge blessing in our lives!!
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