some thoughts on trust

So, this might seem sort of random, and even kind of petty, but those of you who have dealt (are dealing) with attachment affected kids will understand.  Hang in there, and follow me to the end, it makes a pretty good point in the end, I think.

Mayahna is in Kindergarten camp this week.  Basically she goes to the school for the morning only, three days this week, to get used to the classroom, the teacher, the routine.  So that in the fall (is August 15th Fall???) she is ready to go.  So, this morning, we were up, just the two of us, getting her some breakfast and getting her ready to go.  I was trying to hurry things along, because I knew we were a little pressed for time.  So I told her to get a bowl, and the cereal, and head to the table and pour the cereal in her bowl.  I headed to the fridge to get the milk and I was planning to grab her a spoon on the way to the table.  I got the milk, and turned around to find her getting her own spoon.

Now, to those of you who do not deal with a kid who simply can NOT trust you, and has to constantly, every move of every day, second guess whether you are going to take care of them or not, that might seem like a helpful thing for her to have been doing.  But in OUR situation, I need her to learn that I'm going to HELP her, and take CARE of her, and I CAN'T if she is always helping her self and taking care of herself.  So I asked her if I had asked her to get a spoon, and she said 'No' and I told her I was planning to get it for her, and now I couldn't.  She got set down, ate, we finished getting her ready to go, and got out the door in plenty of time.

On the way to the school, I was talking with her about it.  About how I want to help her,  I want to do things for her, I want to take care of her, but it is difficult when she is always trying to take care of everything for herself.  The words "You need to learn to listen, do what you are asked, and watch and see how things turn out.  You might find that I'll take care of things for you, if you let me," came out of my mouth.  As soon as I said them I realized that this is the message that God has for me!! 

I have often said that I sometimes see myself as an attachment affected child of God.  I am now understanding that He gave me these kids so that I would have to say to them, over and over, the very things He wants to say to me.  "Trust me!" "Listen, and obey!" "Please, let me show you that I love you."  "You are going to have to be less busy taking care of yourself, so that I can do that!"

Father, please help me to rest in the knowledge that You are taking care of things, You are in control, and I am Your child, whom You cherish and want to bless!  Help me not to get in the way of those blessings you want to send to me!!  Help me learn to listen, obey, and wait, to see how You will work things out!!