BRING IT!!

So, still reading this book on prayer.  Some very deep thoughts.  I felt so close to God after the storm, and so in tune with Him.  It was so wonderful.  Obviously, due to the use of the words 'felt', and 'was' (being past tense), it has not continued in the way that I would like.  There has been a 'falling back into old habits of skimming along, and making do' - now, don't get me wrong, something has changed, there was a huge impact on my trust level.  When the devil tempts me to doubt God's power, or His care for me, I have a major touch-stone to refer back to.  "If He protected and cared for us among that mess, why can I not trust Him with this one?"  But there is the day-to-day struggle to depend on Him, to make Him the center of my life, to let Him walk beside me.  There is the in-your-face daily life of balancing a budget and getting along with those whom I live most closely with, some of whom are quite difficult to love sometimes.  There is the daily struggle to open up my own heart and allow it to feel things it has not felt in many years, due to my struggles with depression. 

Yesterday, for some odd reason, I was REALLY down about our budget.  Several weeks ago, we had taken a look at things, and it looked like we would have a tidy little sum, every month, to put toward building up a reserve, first, and then paying down our debt.  Well, recently, I was re-visiting this spreadsheet and found one rather glaring mistake, and two smaller, more mundane adjustments.  Between the three, it managed to cut that surplus by two-thirds.  It had me rather aggravated, to say the least.  Sometimes it feels so FUTILE!  Will we EVER knock out our debt?  Will be ever be able to be stable, and provide the life we want to provide for our children?  I was really upset.  I was not sure why God was not solving this problem for us, the way He had solved the problem of the storm. 

Several epiphanies came to me throughout the morning.  The first was, God did not REMOVE the storm from us, He was WITH us in it.  He may not remove our problems from our life (in fact I would go so far as to say that He typically WON'T) but He WILL be WITH us IN it!!  God will be with us in this financial 'struggle' - whether it takes two years or six years...  He'll be there with us!

Our life on this earth is simply short, and a very small part of eternity.  And, within that life, whether it takes us 2-3 years or 6-8 years to achieve our goals, does it really matter?  I had a conversation recently with a friend who is wanting someone dear to him to make a change.  I can see, quite easily, that this change will come naturally, within a year or so.  He can not see that, and wants the change NOW.  Perspective is such a helpful thing.  Having a perspective of only today, and only what I perceive to be my own needs causes me to be frustrated with things not happening NOW and the way I want them to.   This book on prayer has helped me to realize that prayer is about aligning myself with God's perspective.  Realizing the the problems I am facing today are minor and that He is with me in them.  That learning to draw on HIS power, and strength, and LOVE are SO much more important than being debt free, and if He can use these situations to help me learn those things, then why would I WANT Him to remove this problem from us?  Having His perspective, of this being a short time, no matter how you look at it, be it two years or eight, and also His perspective of it being an opportunity for me to grow closer to God, changes my attitude about what we face completely!

Also, I was reminded that God DID use the storm to remove nearly fifteen hundred dollars from our monthly expenses, and if He had not done that, we would not have even the tiny surplus that we have!!   When I was caught up in my pity party, I was wondering why God had not removed ALL of our debt.   But as I aligned myself with His perspective, I saw that He has removed enough to make things work, and give us (me) an opportunity to exercise our faith muscles and learn to listen to His guidance in our lives.  If that process takes two years, or six years, I'm up for it.  In the big picture, it's the end result that matters most!!  

Just after the storm, I was known to say that 'if this is what it took to extinguish that last little bit of doubt that I had lingering in my heart, then - BRING IT!' - I guess, through the process of reading this book on prayer, listening to comments in Sabbath School yesterday, and processing the Love that God has for me, I am at that point with the finances.  It might be work, it might take more time that I like, but if this is what it takes to get me to learn to DEPEND on GOD for guidance and security - BRING IT!