I hope this doesn't ramble too much, my apologies right from the start, if it does. I guess turning 50 is good reason to do some thinking and introspection. I've been thinking about life so far, and what vision I have for my future. I've been thinking about my relationship with God. About healing that has been provided at various points in my life, not the least of which was the trip in May, to Renton, and, of course, the aftermath of the tornado (those stories begin here if you are interested). About healing that I need to help facilitate in others, particularly the injured children that have been entrusted to our care. And how best to facilitate healing in others. Some pretty deep thoughts.
I'm not sure where to start. Maybe in the reading I did last week, in the book of John. The story of the woman, caught in the trap that was set for her, of adultery. I got interrupted in my reading in an interesting place and it brought a new insight into the reading. I've read it hundreds of times. I even played the role of this woman, every Sabbath afternoon, for an entire summer! But I never saw this... here, read it with the text stopped where I got interrupted:
John 8:4-6
“Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”
They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down....
Freeze frame while Jesus is in the act of stooping. What is Mary thinking? What would YOU be thinking? I know my thought would be "Here comes the first rock, and I obviously deserve it!" I really think this is where MUCH of Christianity is frozen. We seem to live our lives in constant fear of God's judgement of us and seem to think that instilling that fear in others will motivate them to love God. (REALLY?!?) Even if we put all interaction with others aside, and only focus on our own 'stuff', we tend to focus on the sin, and the bad thing we did, and expect God to be the first to stoop and pick up a rock, unleashing the onslaught of judgement, not only from him, but from all the 'good people' around us, who will get on board and start throwing their stones, too, and bring on painful (almost welcomed) death.
Ok - frame still frozen - what if you were one of the people in the crowd, or one of the men bringing her to Jesus. Jesus is stooping, what are you thinking? Here is what I think I would have been thinking (not proud of it, but willing to admit it): "See! Here he goes, he's gonna pick up a stone, and get this thing started... she deserves it, she CLEARLY sinned!" The law will be carried out and she will get what she deserves.
Ok - unfreeze...
verses 6-8
...and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer,
so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never
sinned throw the first stone!” Then he stooped down again...
another freeze frame. Stop and think about it. Jesus himself was the only person in that entire crowd (in the entire history of the world) who actually had a right to pick up the first stone, and throw it, because he is the only one who had never sinned. But... (unfeeze)
verses 8-11
...and wrote in the dust.
When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”
“No, Lord,” she said.
And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.
As Christians we seem to want to get a bit hung up on that last thing he said, but we need to remember that HE is really the only person who has ever lived on this earth, who stayed perfectly connected to the power that one needs to accomplish that 'sin no more' thing, and thereby be in any kind of a position to throw a stone. It is only through being connected to HIM that any of us have any hope of living in anything even remotely resembling that 'sin no more' reality. And we need to stay far far away from that place where we keep pointing out the sins of others and demanding an answer from God about it, because chances are, if we push him far enough, He's gonna start writing about our sins, in the dust.
I know for myself, I live in a constant struggle with the devil, to sin. It's a daily/hourly/minute-by-minute thing. If it's not my temper, it's despair, or appetite control, or time management, or judging others, even sarcasm... any list of things. I do not personally struggle with homosexual desire. But many do. But my focus clearly needs to be my OWN sins.
Sometimes as a parent, the things we say to our kids kinda come back around and hit us between the eyeballs. When the kids come to me, all worried about some wrong that the other one has committed, I often catch myself telling them, "Managing your own business is a FULL TIME JOB, and honestly, you are not succeeding at it well enough yet, to be signing up for the job of managing your brother, or anyone else. So focus on your own stuff, please." I think this is the lesson Jesus was teaching to every member of the crowd there, that day, and I think it is a lesson that Christians, as a whole, today have missed in a pretty big way.
In light of all the craziness about the LGBT agenda, etc recently. I think this story carries a VERY important message to Christians. We are in NO position to be casting ANY stones. Until we are 'managing our own issues' we have no business signing up for the job of managing anyone else's. And I don't know about you, but I pretty much know I'm never going to be in that position, because it has become very clear to me that the only way I'm EVER gonna 'manage my own stuff' is through the power of CHRIST. It's never going to be me, it's ALWAYS going to be HIM.
So, take another step outside of the story and think about the response that Mary had to Jesus after this event. She became his LOYAL follower, loving him, and serving him in any way that she could. We often find her sitting at Jesus feet. Like Mary did before us, when we come to a clear realization of where we stand, without Christ, (accused), what God COULD be offering us, based on what we deserve (Him stooping to pick up the first stone) and what we get instead (Love and acceptance and HELP in overcoming the sin in our lives) how can we NOT fall at His feet in adoration??
So, if I step back into the story, and am honest with myself enough to realize that I might be one of the crowd, who will be quietly slipping away, without picking up a stone. Or maybe I can see myself in Mary's shoes, and realize that I have stuff I need to work on TOO, and the ONLY way I'm gonna accomplish any sort of 'overcoming' and 'sinning no more' is through Christ. And then stop and think about the AMAZING gift that He gives us, when he says to us "Neither do I condemn you," and he then provides a way for us to connect to the power that we have access to, through His death. The realization of this one fact should bring such JOY to my life, in having found the source of power over sin (and death), in my own life, that I would just want to share that joy. AND - I would realize that the ONLY help I can offer to others who might be sinning in a certain, 'particular way' would be to share my testimony of JOY with relation to what Christ has accomplished in ME (note that this involves admitting to being a person in NEED of God's help!) And then, step back and let GOD'S power do the 'work' that needs to be done in their life. I can't do that work for them, only Christ can. I don't WANT to, I have plenty of my own stuff to keep me plenty busy! But what a joy it brings when I realize that God is faithful to complete the good work that He has begun in me! (Phil 1:6)
So, that is one thought, then another thought is the whole internalization of that love. I have had a head knowledge of God's love for my entire life. I have had moments of realization, and internalization of the power of that fact at various points in my life. Since May, in a very big way, it has become MUCH more 'real' to me.
I spent the first 32 years of my life, not really planning on getting much older than my mother got. I realized this when I was in psychology classes in college and did some reading about children who lost older siblings, and how they often have a hard time imagining themselves getting older than the age at which the older sibling died. I realized it applied to me, with relation to my mother. I did some processing and working on that, and eventually got 'past' it, and to a point of really just wanted to 'live like her' as much as I could. One of the girls once asked what she was like, and I kind of realized that my answer to that was pretty nebulous in my mind, and perhaps other people who knew her better could answer it better, so I took her with me to see my gramma the next time I went to visit her. She asked my grandmother, "What was my Gramma Luanne like?" First, Gramma had to fight back tears, (as it seems nearly anyone who knew my mother has to do, when they think of her, even all these years later!) eventually she was able to say "She loved her Lord". That has really stuck with me. Would people say that about me? Or would it be more like "She knew her facts about God's word"? Or, "she did what she could, to serve God." Which is noble, but without the loving relationship, my understanding is that I stand in danger of God saying "depart from me, I do not know you." The struggle has been, for me, how to get that 'head knowledge' to transfer to a 'heart change'. And thinking about the powerful thing that must have happened in Mary's mind, when she realized that Jesus was NOT stooping to get a stone, he was simply clearing the crowd, so that he could offer her hope. When I meditate on that, my heart gets all up there in it, real easy!!
Turning 50 has kind of made me assess those 'what is my life standing for' things, and given me the opportunity to assess things, and, being 50, I am in position to decide that this is a good point to make changes for the rest of my life. I have even started thinking that 50 more years sounds good. That is not something I would have said at ALL in my years of depression. But now I'm kind of thinking it sounds pretty good. I feel like I got the hard stuff all worked through (for the most part) finally, and I'm ready for the 'joy' and 'peace' and 'contentment' part, and the 'happily ever after' part. And that involves the focused internalization of the first part of this post. God is the ONLY being who is in a position to judge me, and when Jesus stoops, and I might THINK he is bending to get a stone, He is not. He is spelling out the fact that "ALL have sinned" and then he stands, gives me a hug and says "Lets tackle this together" - LOVE comes as a natural response to the knowledge that HE does not condemn me, but rather offers a solution to the sin problem in my life!!!
So, here's to June 30, 2015 - the first day of the rest of my life, where I live in His joy, His peace, His contentment, and His LOVE.
As for helping the children in our home, understand about love, that might need to come in a different post, as this one has already gotten very long, or even possibly in that book I keep threatening to write. But suffice it to say that when children are not nurtured in those oh-so-important, early formative years, it is a constant uphill battle, to convince them that someone - anyone - loves them. Their brains actually develop physically differently than children who are raised in a nurturing environment. There are studies showing now, that their brains are actually 'hard-wired' to approach life from a point of constant FEAR. I think this applies to my own life, and my past relationship with God, and I know that the only source of healing for me has been God - and that the only source for the kids is one-and-the-same. The 'how' is the challenging part. How to help them to internalize it. I would covet your prayers on that one. If nothing else, having these kids around has certainly put me in the position of realizing just how much need I have of God, because I know that I simply can not do this on my own! What a relief to know, that I don't have to!!!
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