Our Experience In Renton

I have been meaning to get on here for some time now, and write about the time that we recently spent in Renton, Washington.  It's kind of hard to process everything that has been happening for so long now.  Many of you know that I suffered from depression for many years, with a great deal of healing coming from the way we saw God's hand in our lives so clearly, after the tornado hit us in 2011.  What a lot of people didn't know was, that I had prayed just a few weeks earlier that God would show Himself to be REAL.  I had lingering doubts about whether there really WAS a God, still flowing out of the unanswered prayers of my childhood, particularly the death of my mother, even though we prayed for her to get well.  Through providential protection and so many other miraculous things that happened during and after the tornado, and also through the kind acts of so many of you, God answered that prayer in a resoundingly clear way, and used the tornado to show Himself to be not only real, but powerful and intimately involved in our daily lives.  While I would NOT want to do it again, if I had to choose now I would not 'undo' that experience from my life, not in a million years.

So, fast forward to the recent months.  Lon's and my relationship has been 'rocky' for a very long time.  Pretty much since my depression hit after Annie was born 21 years ago, and honestly, things were not exactly 'peachy' even before that.  We have seen several (many) counselors over the years getting various levels of help from some of them along the way, and from some virtually no help, in fact some sort of even made things worse, in some ways!  The last few months, since about October have been particularly difficult, and by about February I was just completely worn out.  I had nothing left to give.  I had even asked Lon to leave for a while, at one point, so that we could sort of 'get our bearings' and figure out how to go forward from there.  I don't think nitty-gritty details really contribute much to the story, but suffice it to say that I was still lacking a clear understanding of God's infinite love for me, and therefore was still struggling with the last vestiges of my depression, and Lon has struggled for a long time, with being able to understand things from other people's points of view, and he also had a tendency to 'form strong opinions' about certain people in his life, in particular those closest to him (both pretty typical characteristics of Engineers, I hear).  The mixture of the two (my depression and his 'issues') was not like water and oil, it was rather like kerosene and fire.  It was not good. Though, I do have to say, we had progressed past the 'explosive' stage (that had lasted for several very unhappy years), into a rather frightening 'I really don't give a care any more' stage (at least I had, I can't really speak for Lon).

At this point, while I no longer doubted God's existence, I really just had a strong desire for Him to grant us some peace in our lives.  And I wanted a clear picture of His LOVE for me, because I have always had a difficult time internalizing that fact - I believe it in my head, but have a hard time 'feeling it' in my heart.  So my prayer had been something along the lines of "show me your love and grant me peace - heal my 'broken' (as in not correctly functioning) heart". I was simply very very tired of the constant hurt.

In early March a dear friend reached out with a possible solution.  She and her husband had struggled in similar ways to our struggles and had reached a 'point of no return' several months ahead of us.  A friend of theirs had put them on to the place in Renton, Washington, suggesting that if they were going to split, they should go there first, so that they would at least know that they had tried EVERYTHING first.  It literally saved their marriage, and by extension, their family.  She suggested that we look at the website and consider going for the week-long intensive marriage session that they had gone for.  She even indicated that the associated 'suggested donation' was pretty much already covered, by the giving that they had done, since their experience there.  The session involved a full week, three hours every morning with the counselor (who happens to be a former Engineer, who had a failing marriage, too, and set out to find ways to improve it, and in the process felt called to change his career to ministry and counseling), and then homework for us to do in the afternoons.  It seemed like a pretty big commitment, and having had some recent bad experiences with counselors, I was a little reticent at first, but after looking at the website, decided that this place might be our only hope.  The thing that impacted me the most was that they said that they were not in the business of 'treating symptoms' but rather, getting to the root of the issue and providing healing there, from God, and letting the symptoms take care of themselves.  Another friend, who had walked with me during an earlier crisis in our relationship, several years ago, had suggested that each of us finding healing for our deep-rooted injury, was really the only way that the pain was going to get to a 'manageable' level, so it sounded like this place would accomplish that 'goal-that-I-had-in-the-back-of-my-mind' too.  Sort of 'kill two birds with one stone.'  So we made plans to get to Renton for a week. 

Annie had a trip out here planned for early May, to go through her stuff and figure out what to keep and what to ship out to Walla Walla, and then Sarah and I were to travel out there for a few days of wedding planning. (I apologize if this is the first you are hearing of the wedding - as you can see, life has been a tad more crazy than usual, lately - more will follow on this topic before long.)  So we arranged for the visit to Renton to tag on to the end of that trip.  It worked out nicely, because I was also able to spend Mother's Day with my (step) mom, in Yakima on my way over to Renton, from Walla Walla (specially nice, since it's her first Mother's Day without Dad at her side). But I'll be honest, there were days in March and April where I was not sure we would make it to that date in May, and there were days when I was not sure whether I really wanted to go at all.  I knew there was going to be painful work to do there, and 'giving up' seemed easier, in a twisted, mixed up kind of way.  But I also knew that it was likely the only way 'out' (of the painful current existence) that didn't involve a separation of some sort, and that that path is NOT easy either, so I sort of mentally took a deep breath and trudged forward.

The weeks leading in to the intensive week were interesting to say the least.  Mayahna was in full 'attachment melt down' because first there was a week all about Emma, and turning 16, and getting her license, and starting work, and going to academy days... etc.  Then there was the week that Annie was here, and everything was all about Annie, two bridal showers, belated birthday celebrations, etc.  Then I left for a week, then Lon left, too, for a week.  She pretty much dug her heals in at school and made a HUGE problem for herself, not getting any school work done for weeks!  But, thankfully, we have an excellent teacher who 'gets it' and just let it be Mayahna's problem and rolled with it.  And in the end it worked it's self out.

Our friends who had gone before us, had warned us that the devil would pull out all stops to try to keep us from going, but to be honest, other than Mayahna's situation and the finances of Lon not working for a week, we didn't face that much.   In fact there was marked improvement in our relationship, due to some of the pre-visit reading that was assigned. Personally I attribute this lack of 'attack by the devil' to the many friends who were praying for us for several weeks before we went and while we were there.  People around us have always been a HUGE part of how God shows us His love.  It was true this time too.

One particular area where we saw this, besides feeling your prayers, was when we looked into renting a car.  We found that there were two cost prohibitive factors, #1 - the car rental places all want to charge a 'drop fee' when you pick up in one location (Spokane) and drop off in another (Renton, or Portland) - as much as $500!!  To say nothing of the daily usage fees, mileage fees, etc... #2 - our timeshare, in Seattle, charges $20/night to park your car!  So we decided to skip the rentals on this trip and 'impose' on friends/family, and use public transportation.  It was actually kind of nice, we got to see several people we might not have gotten to spend time with, and have some awesome conversations that we would have missed out on, had we had the 'convenience' of a rental car.  We also spent the night with several different friends who graciously opened their homes to us - just before, and just after our stay in Seattle.  The friends all seemed to enjoy the opportunity to help, and while it felt a bit like 'imposing' - I know that if friends were out here, and in need of a ride somewhere or a place to stay, we would jump at the opportunity to help (and we actually have, on several occasions and LOVED it), so the network of 'people who care' came through in a nice way, there, too.  And the convenience of cell phones and facebook made it SO much easier to co-ordinate. Thank you, to those who helped, you know who you are!

We arrived at the counseling center on Monday morning, a bit apprehensive, but also, not in quite such a bad place as we had been in February/March, as we had just had two busy weeks of time with Annie and of Lon caring for the home front, while I was out in the NW.  Lon discovered right away, that not only was Bob a former Engineer, he is also an avid cyclist, having ridden his bike to work that morning.  So the two of them hit it right off.  The sessions were very good.  The reading we had done, to prepare for our visit had made a measurable difference already.  Particularly the book "Bondage Breakers" by Neil Anderson, and the book "Love and Respect" by Eggerichs.  We had had that last book on our bookshelf for several years, and had just not ever taken it down to read it...  crazy.  Mostly the sessions were about getting to the heart of each of our deep hurts, and finding the healing that GOD has available there.  There was some personality testing, and some 'helpful hints' on how to relate to one another based on the results of the tests, and there was some forgiveness work, both of each other, and of others who have hurt us, and even of God.  And there was very pointed prayers banishing the devil and removing the strongholds he has managed to get in our lives and in our relationship.  It was hard work in some ways, and so EASY in others - but mostly it was just SO worth it. From what our friends had told us (well, what she had told me, really) our sessions were quite different than theirs, though there was a basic frame work that he seemed to follow, he also seemed very adept at catering to the specific needs of us as a couple - helping us know how to tackle some of our specific break-downs in communication, etc.  I think this 'difference' between how he counseled us, and how he might counsel others is because he is clearly very purposeful about putting himself in a position of being lead by The Holy Spirit and only 'going places' that The Spirit leads.  He certainly seemed to know JUST what we needed, and I can honestly only attribute that to the wisdom of the God who knows us better even than we know ourselves.

Many times in the past when we were working with various counselors, etc, we have ended up with a certain amount of 'dependance' on the counselor.  We'll find ourselves saying things like "We'll have to wait, and discuss this next time we are with John".  What we felt with Bob, was that he lead us to the throne of grace, and plugged us in to the power that is there.  Hard to believe that two multi-generational Adventist kids would need that, particularly in light of where our membership was for 10 years, while we were living in Oregon/Washington (our pastor there consistently preached God's grace, almost every single week!) but we did need it - I guess we had heard it, but not fully internalized it, nor extended it to each other.  

You would think that there would have been a sense of clouds parting, and angels singing, and sunlight shining in some new amazing way, etc.  There really wasn't.  Perhaps this is why I have not written yet.  I have been processing, because there was no 'big ah-ha moment', there was not a 'huge break-through' or a 'jump up and down' kind of sudden relief of the pain.  In fact the devil has managed to remind me of some of the pain a few times since.  But the beautiful thing is that there is peace (that passes understanding?) and there is joy, and there is grace between us, now, where there was judgement before.  We have both voiced the relief of how wonderful it feels to finally be on the same team again!! Simply put, we were reminded of the infinite grace that God extends to us, and shown that sharing that grace with each other is a helpful thing in our relationship (another 'duh-oh' moment!), and that realization has brought great peace, which also breeds a quiet kind of joy.  It is a beautiful thing.

While there may not have been any 'big moment', there has been an AMAZING reinforcement and continuation of the message that Bob laid out for us.  Friday when we were done, we went down to Portland on Amtrak and got to see so many dear friends while we were there, but the coolest thing was that the church service at our old church was like God took Bob's message and wrapped it up in a neat package and tied a bow on top, the sermon was about 'coming into the light of God's LOVE' and the songs were all perfect manifestations of what we were feeling in our relationship, both with each other and with God.   And then, we got home, and were only here for five days, and then packed up and headed to KY/TN campmeeting for ten days.  Lee Vendon was one of the speakers and his messages were more of the same!!  God is so good, He wants to be close personal friends with us, and He provides healing, and He provides GRACE, in the face of divine judgement.  THAT is the good news.  And THAT is what saved our marriage (by "coincidence" it is also what saves the WORLD!).  It was God.  He used the Northwest Biblical Counseling Center, to bring that healing to us, in a way that no one else has been able to before, perhaps because we were able to set aside concentrated time, and focus on the deep need we each had, perhaps because we were finally at a point where we were willing to recognize the fact that we NEEDED it.  I don't know, but I'm sure glad He did!!

So, what I have learned (so far) is that there are three prayers that God is pretty faithful to answer, if you are brave enough to pray them.  #1 is - "Please show me that you are real." (That is the one that takes bravery, and you better brace yourself, when you pray it!).  And #2 is - "Please show me how much you love me." (I think He REALLY enjoys answering this one, and actually waits ANXIOUSLY for us to pray it!).  And #3 is - "Please heal me." Even though these answers may not come on our schedule, or in the specific way we might expect. Though this one is typically more consistently answered when it is prayed like this: "Please heal my heart and teach me to love you back."  It is heart-healing that He focuses His energy on.  God does not seem to be terribly concerned about our physical comfort here on this old, short-term, worn-out planet - what He wants is our hearts.  And my experience tells me that He is pretty much willing to pull out all the stops to get to them.  What. an. amazing. God. we. serve!

PS - I have continued to listen to Lee Vendon's messages on his website, if you are interested, it is AllAboutJesusSeminars.com - the series he has there under the 'Media Player' tab, on the book of John is excellent!!  And there are many more, that I plan to work my way through.

And here is the link to NWBCC: NW-BCC.org - if you know anyone who is struggling in their marriage, or even as a single person, in their walk with God - I would HIGHLY recommend a visit to this place.  There is healing available there, through the power of God's grace.