It's all about the Journey

Well, life must be rolling along, I have a post that has little to nothing to do with the storm...

I went out to Portland this last weekend and had SUCH a lovely time with girlfriends and family.  My soul felt so refreshed by visits, lunch dates, praise times, etc that I was so blessed to take part in repeatedly over the weekend.  Over and over, as I shared my story, and others shared their stories I found the recurring theme of 'Life is a Journey, and God designed it so that when we journey together with others, we all become stronger, better people through the process."  The storm has healed parts of me that were longing for healing, I have finally found a new place to be, that involves a lot less darkness in my soul (I believe - after all it HAS only been just over five months, I know this, and acknowledge the fact that I could still face some 'downswings' on the depression-recovery road).  But as a whole, my life now involves a lot more trusting of God, and KNOWING that I AM His child, and resting in the knowledge (not just a flimsy 'hope') that He WILL take care of me.  I am waking up, emotionally, from a long dark period in my life, and experiencing emotions in a new way.  I am looking back over my life, and partly through the insights gained from a book I'm reading on prayer, and partly through insights from conversations with all of these great friends God has blessed me with, I am starting to see events in my past in a new light.  There is joy in my soul!!

Today, as I drove home from a quick run to the grocery store, I saw some Queen Anne's lace growing by the road.  Often, in the past, it was a slightly painful thing to see, because it was my mother's favorite flower.  I sometimes picked one to bring home, because it reminded me of her, but not usually in a joyful, thankful, way, usually more of a poignant, missing-her sort of way.  Today, when I saw them, it made me SMILE.  To think how blessed I was to have her for my mom, to be able to say, "I have cells of her cells and my habits and thoughts originated in her." What a BLESSING!!  Even though I only had her in my life for seven short years, those years in a person's life are actually THE most important years, in forming their character, and getting them on a firm foundation for life.  I am blessed to have had her for those most important years.  It is nice to be in a place where I can think of her, or see something that reminds me of her, and have happy thoughts, and joyful feelings.  Healing is SUCH a good thing, but for it to be FINALLY coming, after all of these years, I think I count it as especially precious.  God is GOOD.  

Find someone to journey with, share your thoughts, insights, pains, downfalls... be real.  God will bless both of you through it.

And, before I go - THANK YOU to ALL of those who have walked with me, over the years.  I could start a list here, but I would certainly leave someone off - so, lame as it might seem - you know who you are!!  I thank God for you!!!  You have blessed me in ways you can not even begin to imagine!

New Growth

Stopped by the old 'place' earlier this week, to see if some bushes that were in the back yard were milk-weed or not.  I was shocked and amazed to find that several of our Crepe Myrtle trees that had been mowed down by Jeff's trailer flying through them, and were literally lopped off at about a foot tall, had re-sprouted, sent up a bunch of 'sucker' type branches that are now 8-10 feet tall and BLOOMING, as if it were spring!!  The two or three trees that are still there, from the row, tower over them, and are in a completely different stage of bloom.  Isn't it amazing, that growth that can happen, when a plant can concentrate it's energy on new growth?  Sometimes God has to mow something down, in our lives, so that we can concentrate on growing new branches that serve Him better than what we had before.   I think I might have just stumbled on a children's story for church.  (SHHHH) - don't tell Darlene!!

And the destruction continues...

I just spent a few minutes looking at pictures of the destruction left by Irene.  It's hard to believe how many lives have been hit, again, by mother nature.  Honestly, something like this is happening, somewhere in the world, almost ALL the time.  I'm just so anxious for Jesus to come and take us all away from this broken planet.  I know there are stories in Irene, similar to our story in the Alabama storms, where God protects, guides, and draws his people through the tough times that nature tosses in their laps, and closer to Him in the process.  But wouldn't it be much nicer just to live in a kingdom of peace, where destruction did not have to be a daily happening, somewhere on the planet? 

Even so Lord Jesus COME!!  And please help me to know what I can do to help that day come sooner!!!

It's been a bit...

Believe it or not, I've been busy sorting out what I'm HOPING are the last little bit of 'messes' from the storm.  The power company was trying to bill us for two weeks of power usage AFTER the storm!! (never mind that ALL of Huntsville was out of power for five of those 14 days!!!)  I told them that there were no wires attatched to our house, and they said that without the meter they had no way to know that.  I told them I had witnesses, that the neighbors' house was totally gone, so we could just pretend that ours was too, that they had no way to prove we HAD used any power, that if they wanted the meter, they should have gone and gotten it in the six weeks between the time that I told them we were no longer needing their services and when the house got knocked down... etc.  It was like talking to a wall.  Finally he said he was going to do some checking and get back to me in the morning.  After I hung up I realized that the meter was probably under the trailer that hit the side of the house!!  So I called the neighbor that was helping the homeowners do the demolition work, and asked, and he said, "Hell, no, the meter was totally smashed, there is no way they could have recovered it."  He also mentioned that they were trying to bill him too - for what they call 'service availability'"  I TOTALLY could not BELIEVE that one - I was really hoping they would try that line with me, the next day when they called back.  I was going to offer to send them a bill for the service availability that I provided for them, tutoring their children at $25 and hour, oh, say 4-6 hours a day, oh, say, 6 days a week!!! 
Never did hear back from them, but did receive a check for $8.04 (the remainder of our deposit, after they billed out for the power we DID use, before the storm) (now that I think about it, how did they know how to bill us for THAT power if the meter was gone!?!?!)  and an adjusted bill also arrived several days later, indicating what the $8.04 was for (as if I didn't know). 
It might seem like a minor problem to have to work through, but when you realize it's the umpteenth problem, and each one takes HOURS of time (I was on hold for nearly half an hour, and then spoke to the 'human brick wall' for another half an hour, plus the fact that I had had to DRIVE down there two weeks after the storm because I couldn't get through on the phone, after repeated times of waiting on hold just to be disconnected...etc etc etc...) but in the end it just starts to wear you out.
I think that is what people are facing now, just being VERY tired of the whole process.  Any of the old neighbors that I talk to, especially those who have not started re-building again, are JUST TIRED.  I can only imagine that the thought of facing a building project would be enough to completely knock them out.  I know I could not face that right now. 

We did get school started last week.  Such as it was.  Emma's guinea pig (one of the two) died on Tuesday morning, so that put a major crimp in the plans for that day.  And there were other interruptions too, all through the week.  I WAS looking forward to the routine!!  But all it really seemed to add to my day was more stuff that needed to get done and didn't.  Hopefully, as we get further into the year, it will settle into more of a routine. 

I've also been busy with being a sounding board for my brother as he works through some CRAZY stuff going on between him and my folks.  In the end he had to just ask them not to come around his place any more.  It got that bad.  It's really sad, because my dad has Parkinson's and they moved, last year, to a new home, not far from my brother, so that my dad and brother could do stuff together.  But that isn't happening. It's so sad.   And it saps a lot of my time. 

So, I guess I dont' really have anything inspiring to say today, just sort of checking in, and letting you all know that life is going on, and I guess in a strange, twisted sort of way, is 'back to normal'.  : P

BRING IT!!

So, still reading this book on prayer.  Some very deep thoughts.  I felt so close to God after the storm, and so in tune with Him.  It was so wonderful.  Obviously, due to the use of the words 'felt', and 'was' (being past tense), it has not continued in the way that I would like.  There has been a 'falling back into old habits of skimming along, and making do' - now, don't get me wrong, something has changed, there was a huge impact on my trust level.  When the devil tempts me to doubt God's power, or His care for me, I have a major touch-stone to refer back to.  "If He protected and cared for us among that mess, why can I not trust Him with this one?"  But there is the day-to-day struggle to depend on Him, to make Him the center of my life, to let Him walk beside me.  There is the in-your-face daily life of balancing a budget and getting along with those whom I live most closely with, some of whom are quite difficult to love sometimes.  There is the daily struggle to open up my own heart and allow it to feel things it has not felt in many years, due to my struggles with depression. 

Yesterday, for some odd reason, I was REALLY down about our budget.  Several weeks ago, we had taken a look at things, and it looked like we would have a tidy little sum, every month, to put toward building up a reserve, first, and then paying down our debt.  Well, recently, I was re-visiting this spreadsheet and found one rather glaring mistake, and two smaller, more mundane adjustments.  Between the three, it managed to cut that surplus by two-thirds.  It had me rather aggravated, to say the least.  Sometimes it feels so FUTILE!  Will we EVER knock out our debt?  Will be ever be able to be stable, and provide the life we want to provide for our children?  I was really upset.  I was not sure why God was not solving this problem for us, the way He had solved the problem of the storm. 

Several epiphanies came to me throughout the morning.  The first was, God did not REMOVE the storm from us, He was WITH us in it.  He may not remove our problems from our life (in fact I would go so far as to say that He typically WON'T) but He WILL be WITH us IN it!!  God will be with us in this financial 'struggle' - whether it takes two years or six years...  He'll be there with us!

Our life on this earth is simply short, and a very small part of eternity.  And, within that life, whether it takes us 2-3 years or 6-8 years to achieve our goals, does it really matter?  I had a conversation recently with a friend who is wanting someone dear to him to make a change.  I can see, quite easily, that this change will come naturally, within a year or so.  He can not see that, and wants the change NOW.  Perspective is such a helpful thing.  Having a perspective of only today, and only what I perceive to be my own needs causes me to be frustrated with things not happening NOW and the way I want them to.   This book on prayer has helped me to realize that prayer is about aligning myself with God's perspective.  Realizing the the problems I am facing today are minor and that He is with me in them.  That learning to draw on HIS power, and strength, and LOVE are SO much more important than being debt free, and if He can use these situations to help me learn those things, then why would I WANT Him to remove this problem from us?  Having His perspective, of this being a short time, no matter how you look at it, be it two years or eight, and also His perspective of it being an opportunity for me to grow closer to God, changes my attitude about what we face completely!

Also, I was reminded that God DID use the storm to remove nearly fifteen hundred dollars from our monthly expenses, and if He had not done that, we would not have even the tiny surplus that we have!!   When I was caught up in my pity party, I was wondering why God had not removed ALL of our debt.   But as I aligned myself with His perspective, I saw that He has removed enough to make things work, and give us (me) an opportunity to exercise our faith muscles and learn to listen to His guidance in our lives.  If that process takes two years, or six years, I'm up for it.  In the big picture, it's the end result that matters most!!  

Just after the storm, I was known to say that 'if this is what it took to extinguish that last little bit of doubt that I had lingering in my heart, then - BRING IT!' - I guess, through the process of reading this book on prayer, listening to comments in Sabbath School yesterday, and processing the Love that God has for me, I am at that point with the finances.  It might be work, it might take more time that I like, but if this is what it takes to get me to learn to DEPEND on GOD for guidance and security - BRING IT!