So, I'm just starting in on a book I've been wanting to read for quite some time. Apparently I started in on it at some point because the first page or so was familiar, but that soon ended, and then I came upon this little gem:
"The very word prayer comes from the Latin root precarius — a linguistic cousin to precarious." Yancey, Philip. Prayer.
I had to stop right there and write down some thoughts before I lost them. So here goes.
If the concept of prayer has it's roots in the concept of being precarious, perhaps that very state of being precarious is a GOOD place to be. I know that those days, just after the storm, when life was VERY precarious were days when we simply felt God near to us. There was not alot of praying going on, but there was a distinct sense of God being there with us, in the mist of all the craziness.
I think, as fiercely independent Americans we strive so hard to be self sufficient and secure in our perceptions of life that we tend to lose that sense of percariousness that we seem to need, in order to sense our NEED for God in our lives. Or, quite possibly even to sense GOD Himself in our lives. It's almost as if, without the sense of our need for Him, and a healthy sense of how precarious our situation is without him, we can't sense HIM.
It makes me think of the song 'Brokeness, brokeness is what I long for..." we have to come to that place of realizing God is all we have, in order to have a true understanding of all that He can be for us. As long as we are holding it together, making it work, on our own, He has a hard time reaching our heart.
Ok - back to my book now...
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
some thoughts on trust
So, this might seem sort of random, and even kind of petty, but those of you who have dealt (are dealing) with attachment affected kids will understand. Hang in there, and follow me to the end, it makes a pretty good point in the end, I think.
Mayahna is in Kindergarten camp this week. Basically she goes to the school for the morning only, three days this week, to get used to the classroom, the teacher, the routine. So that in the fall (is August 15th Fall???) she is ready to go. So, this morning, we were up, just the two of us, getting her some breakfast and getting her ready to go. I was trying to hurry things along, because I knew we were a little pressed for time. So I told her to get a bowl, and the cereal, and head to the table and pour the cereal in her bowl. I headed to the fridge to get the milk and I was planning to grab her a spoon on the way to the table. I got the milk, and turned around to find her getting her own spoon.
Now, to those of you who do not deal with a kid who simply can NOT trust you, and has to constantly, every move of every day, second guess whether you are going to take care of them or not, that might seem like a helpful thing for her to have been doing. But in OUR situation, I need her to learn that I'm going to HELP her, and take CARE of her, and I CAN'T if she is always helping her self and taking care of herself. So I asked her if I had asked her to get a spoon, and she said 'No' and I told her I was planning to get it for her, and now I couldn't. She got set down, ate, we finished getting her ready to go, and got out the door in plenty of time.
On the way to the school, I was talking with her about it. About how I want to help her, I want to do things for her, I want to take care of her, but it is difficult when she is always trying to take care of everything for herself. The words "You need to learn to listen, do what you are asked, and watch and see how things turn out. You might find that I'll take care of things for you, if you let me," came out of my mouth. As soon as I said them I realized that this is the message that God has for me!!
I have often said that I sometimes see myself as an attachment affected child of God. I am now understanding that He gave me these kids so that I would have to say to them, over and over, the very things He wants to say to me. "Trust me!" "Listen, and obey!" "Please, let me show you that I love you." "You are going to have to be less busy taking care of yourself, so that I can do that!"
Father, please help me to rest in the knowledge that You are taking care of things, You are in control, and I am Your child, whom You cherish and want to bless! Help me not to get in the way of those blessings you want to send to me!! Help me learn to listen, obey, and wait, to see how You will work things out!!
Mayahna is in Kindergarten camp this week. Basically she goes to the school for the morning only, three days this week, to get used to the classroom, the teacher, the routine. So that in the fall (is August 15th Fall???) she is ready to go. So, this morning, we were up, just the two of us, getting her some breakfast and getting her ready to go. I was trying to hurry things along, because I knew we were a little pressed for time. So I told her to get a bowl, and the cereal, and head to the table and pour the cereal in her bowl. I headed to the fridge to get the milk and I was planning to grab her a spoon on the way to the table. I got the milk, and turned around to find her getting her own spoon.
Now, to those of you who do not deal with a kid who simply can NOT trust you, and has to constantly, every move of every day, second guess whether you are going to take care of them or not, that might seem like a helpful thing for her to have been doing. But in OUR situation, I need her to learn that I'm going to HELP her, and take CARE of her, and I CAN'T if she is always helping her self and taking care of herself. So I asked her if I had asked her to get a spoon, and she said 'No' and I told her I was planning to get it for her, and now I couldn't. She got set down, ate, we finished getting her ready to go, and got out the door in plenty of time.
On the way to the school, I was talking with her about it. About how I want to help her, I want to do things for her, I want to take care of her, but it is difficult when she is always trying to take care of everything for herself. The words "You need to learn to listen, do what you are asked, and watch and see how things turn out. You might find that I'll take care of things for you, if you let me," came out of my mouth. As soon as I said them I realized that this is the message that God has for me!!
I have often said that I sometimes see myself as an attachment affected child of God. I am now understanding that He gave me these kids so that I would have to say to them, over and over, the very things He wants to say to me. "Trust me!" "Listen, and obey!" "Please, let me show you that I love you." "You are going to have to be less busy taking care of yourself, so that I can do that!"
Father, please help me to rest in the knowledge that You are taking care of things, You are in control, and I am Your child, whom You cherish and want to bless! Help me not to get in the way of those blessings you want to send to me!! Help me learn to listen, obey, and wait, to see how You will work things out!!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Awake in the middle of the night tonight
Partly because of sweet tea that I drank yesterday, so that I could stay awake driving, and partly because I'm processing some stuff, and my mind won't shut down.
Apparently the house got knocked down last weekend some time. Lon stopped there on his way home on Friday to sift through the rubble in the master bedroom a bit, and see if he could find a couple of cords he is missing from his Ham Radio stuff. Didn't find them, but, as usual, did find a few other things that we might want... I have not been up there in a couple of weeks. He said that all the cabinets and appliances, etc have been removed. That shoulda been a bit of a clue. But I didn't catch it. He went back up on Monday to pull out his old peg board. He was working on organizing he new workshop and discovered that the peg board here is a different size, so he went to get the old stuff early on Monday morning, and discovered that the house had been knocked down.
It sort of ticked me off at first. We had asked that they let us know when it was going to happen, so that we could watch. But I hadn't thought about the idea that we might still want to go get a few more things. Every time we went, we always came home with more stuff than what we set out to get. Always found one or two (or twenty) more items that had not been important enough on the last trip, or we had not seen.
This morning, laying here, I'm thinking about the projects I want to get done tomorrow and Sunday, organizing the school room and Emma's bedroom. I started thinking about the play room, and how there was so much insulation down in there, and it made it really hard to sift through the stuff in there, and how I really was not a part of retrieving the stuff that DID get pulled out of there, and we left alot behind. It seemed like a good thing, at the time, to simplify. Now, I'm wondering if there are some important items that we overlooked, particularly for the large playmobile sets. Whatever. Why is this keeping me awake at 3:00 in the morning. (or is it really the tea?) I guess I still have some processing to do regarding losses that did happen. While I'm loving the process of simplifying, and setting up a new place here, in our new home (you should see our living room!!!) I might have been a bit hasty about leaving some things behind.
I think that the fact that the house is gone now has sort of triggered the realization that losses did happen, and need to be dealt with.
I'm sure, that over the coming year we will continue to find things that are missing. Last Sabbath Lon suddenly realized that one of his favorite pairs of slacks is not in the closet. Apparently was not saved.
I have a large box that is a box that I had not dealt with from the previous move, it's all the little 'things I should scrap-book'. Unfortunately the bottom of the box DID get wet at some point, so I KNOW that stuff in there is going to be ruined and lost. I have been avoiding unpacking it. I have considered just tossing the whole thing and not even going through it to see what can be saved. It still sits, waiting for a day when I feel 'up to tackling it'.
Last weekend when I was organizing my craft stuff I discovered that the bin that I had all the old Christmas cards we have received over the years stashed in, had gotten water in it and had mildewed. I didn't have any specific plans for them, I never got them out and looked at them... why did it bother me so much yesterday, when I saw the bin, setting on the floor, empty, with the label still on it "old Christmas Cards"?
Perhaps I'm just processing, perhaps it's just part of what we have to go through, part of the 'grieving process' Perhaps it's 'normal'. That is where I am, though, and I guess, I'm not complaining, or wishing I was not here, just sharing where I am, because I know that alot of you care. And I appreciate that.
I'm also processing on the spiritual side. So many times, when you go through something intense you get close to God, and then when you get past it, it's easy to fall back into old habits, and that is definitely happening. I wish it wasn't. But it is. I did get some recommendations for some good books yesterday - and not even in a conversation where I was sharing my 'stuff' and someone said "Oh- you should read this book..." It was just "Hey - I'm reading this GREAT book" and as she begins to describe it, I realize it is just what I think I need right now. So, after I get the books all unpacked and organized (today or Sunday hopefully) I might take a look at getting those books (there is another book I want to read, that I can't remember whether I had bought it just before the storm, so I need to unpack before I buy any new books) I just need to process some more on the spiritual side of things. I need to delve into the whole 'feelings' thing, and figure out what to do with my emotional side, now that I am (hopefully) walking away from the depression that has dogged my steps for so many years. My emotions are still pretty deeply buried. They come out at odd times, like laying here thinking about what toys might have gotten left behind, and other times they don't, when they should, like when people hand us AMAZING amounts of money.
Someone told me yesterday that I need to record the financial blessings side of this whole thing, so that we don't forget. I guess I have not been specific about some of it here. Just alluded to it. But the hugest part is the reduction of debt. We were under water on both the truck and the trailer, owed a good deal more than they were worth. Knew we needed to sell them, and get a less expensive vehicle to drive and just not have a trailer. But there were so many sentimental attachments, particularly to the trailer. It was our summer home. By the lake. We couldn't part with it easily. And besides, how do you sell something that you owe more on than it's worth? They are both gone now, and so is the debt that went with them, and the monthly payments that had to go out. And the insurance covered the purchase of the new vehicle we purchased out-right with cash, to replace the truck. The truck was totaled - every body panel, every piece of glass had a dent or a scratch. They would have had to re-build or repair the whole entire body. Emma and Tommy were both VERY sad to see it go. They still talk about it, alot. "I miss our truck" they'll say. I do too. But I'm enjoying driving something smaller, too! And I DON'T miss the almost $800/month payments! Not ONE bit. Or the 20+K debt that was still hanging over our heads. Just knocking those two out, and one of our consumer credit cards that was willing to settle, has put us in a position of being able to look forward, in a debt-stacking spread sheet, and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Within two years, we should be out of debt, and have enough money in the bank to cover ourselves if Lon has another gap between contracts.
People have been SO generous with us, helping us out and blessing us with gifts of money and support through prayer, and one person has offered a low interest loan so we can pay off some other debts. All are GREATLY appreciated. It has all created a sense of God taking CARE of us. Providing a way to replace the things that were lost, and even enough extra to do a couple of special things, like sending Emma out for camp at MiVoden, and planning a trip to Hawaii for Lon and I for our 25th. I hope that doesn't seem extravagant. Most people have said nice things like "What a blessing - You need that" - but I'm still concerned that people who gave to us will wonder about the way we are using the money. It is a trip we promised to Lon's folks 25 years ago, when they had their 25th the year we got married and didn't get to do much because they were helping with the wedding. We said "We'll take you to Hawaii for your 50th and our 25th!" They said "We'll go before then!" and they have not - we consider it a direct blessing, and honestly, there was ONE donation that covered ALL of it, AND Emma's camp trip, so it was CLEAR that it was something God wanted us to do! What a blessing that He has even seen to making sure that we can keep that promise we made, even though Lon's folks would have TOTALLY understood if we hadn't been able to. And it is no small factor that we have something to look forward to in December, either. Sort of like Emma, getting away for a bit, as she SO needed to do, we'll be able to come away, and spend some time just relaxing. That will be a good thing, I'm sure. I know that just looking forward to it has done wonders already, for BOTH Lon and I!
An area of specific prayer, as we move forward, besides the ongoing processing that is happening for ALL of us, would be Lon's study of i-OS. He wants to begin developing i-phone apps, and making a little extra $ on the side with that, to help pay the debt down even faster. So pray for him, that he will find time to work on learning that, and that he will have a clear mind, to learn it quickly. And that, once he learns it, he finds an opportunity to use his new knowledge well. We have SO felt the power of having a lot of people praying for us, and we have been richly blessed by it, on SO many different levels. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.
We have felt your love, and HIS love and we count it as a huge blessing in our lives!!
Apparently the house got knocked down last weekend some time. Lon stopped there on his way home on Friday to sift through the rubble in the master bedroom a bit, and see if he could find a couple of cords he is missing from his Ham Radio stuff. Didn't find them, but, as usual, did find a few other things that we might want... I have not been up there in a couple of weeks. He said that all the cabinets and appliances, etc have been removed. That shoulda been a bit of a clue. But I didn't catch it. He went back up on Monday to pull out his old peg board. He was working on organizing he new workshop and discovered that the peg board here is a different size, so he went to get the old stuff early on Monday morning, and discovered that the house had been knocked down.
It sort of ticked me off at first. We had asked that they let us know when it was going to happen, so that we could watch. But I hadn't thought about the idea that we might still want to go get a few more things. Every time we went, we always came home with more stuff than what we set out to get. Always found one or two (or twenty) more items that had not been important enough on the last trip, or we had not seen.
This morning, laying here, I'm thinking about the projects I want to get done tomorrow and Sunday, organizing the school room and Emma's bedroom. I started thinking about the play room, and how there was so much insulation down in there, and it made it really hard to sift through the stuff in there, and how I really was not a part of retrieving the stuff that DID get pulled out of there, and we left alot behind. It seemed like a good thing, at the time, to simplify. Now, I'm wondering if there are some important items that we overlooked, particularly for the large playmobile sets. Whatever. Why is this keeping me awake at 3:00 in the morning. (or is it really the tea?) I guess I still have some processing to do regarding losses that did happen. While I'm loving the process of simplifying, and setting up a new place here, in our new home (you should see our living room!!!) I might have been a bit hasty about leaving some things behind.
I think that the fact that the house is gone now has sort of triggered the realization that losses did happen, and need to be dealt with.
I'm sure, that over the coming year we will continue to find things that are missing. Last Sabbath Lon suddenly realized that one of his favorite pairs of slacks is not in the closet. Apparently was not saved.
I have a large box that is a box that I had not dealt with from the previous move, it's all the little 'things I should scrap-book'. Unfortunately the bottom of the box DID get wet at some point, so I KNOW that stuff in there is going to be ruined and lost. I have been avoiding unpacking it. I have considered just tossing the whole thing and not even going through it to see what can be saved. It still sits, waiting for a day when I feel 'up to tackling it'.
Last weekend when I was organizing my craft stuff I discovered that the bin that I had all the old Christmas cards we have received over the years stashed in, had gotten water in it and had mildewed. I didn't have any specific plans for them, I never got them out and looked at them... why did it bother me so much yesterday, when I saw the bin, setting on the floor, empty, with the label still on it "old Christmas Cards"?
Perhaps I'm just processing, perhaps it's just part of what we have to go through, part of the 'grieving process' Perhaps it's 'normal'. That is where I am, though, and I guess, I'm not complaining, or wishing I was not here, just sharing where I am, because I know that alot of you care. And I appreciate that.
I'm also processing on the spiritual side. So many times, when you go through something intense you get close to God, and then when you get past it, it's easy to fall back into old habits, and that is definitely happening. I wish it wasn't. But it is. I did get some recommendations for some good books yesterday - and not even in a conversation where I was sharing my 'stuff' and someone said "Oh- you should read this book..." It was just "Hey - I'm reading this GREAT book" and as she begins to describe it, I realize it is just what I think I need right now. So, after I get the books all unpacked and organized (today or Sunday hopefully) I might take a look at getting those books (there is another book I want to read, that I can't remember whether I had bought it just before the storm, so I need to unpack before I buy any new books) I just need to process some more on the spiritual side of things. I need to delve into the whole 'feelings' thing, and figure out what to do with my emotional side, now that I am (hopefully) walking away from the depression that has dogged my steps for so many years. My emotions are still pretty deeply buried. They come out at odd times, like laying here thinking about what toys might have gotten left behind, and other times they don't, when they should, like when people hand us AMAZING amounts of money.
Someone told me yesterday that I need to record the financial blessings side of this whole thing, so that we don't forget. I guess I have not been specific about some of it here. Just alluded to it. But the hugest part is the reduction of debt. We were under water on both the truck and the trailer, owed a good deal more than they were worth. Knew we needed to sell them, and get a less expensive vehicle to drive and just not have a trailer. But there were so many sentimental attachments, particularly to the trailer. It was our summer home. By the lake. We couldn't part with it easily. And besides, how do you sell something that you owe more on than it's worth? They are both gone now, and so is the debt that went with them, and the monthly payments that had to go out. And the insurance covered the purchase of the new vehicle we purchased out-right with cash, to replace the truck. The truck was totaled - every body panel, every piece of glass had a dent or a scratch. They would have had to re-build or repair the whole entire body. Emma and Tommy were both VERY sad to see it go. They still talk about it, alot. "I miss our truck" they'll say. I do too. But I'm enjoying driving something smaller, too! And I DON'T miss the almost $800/month payments! Not ONE bit. Or the 20+K debt that was still hanging over our heads. Just knocking those two out, and one of our consumer credit cards that was willing to settle, has put us in a position of being able to look forward, in a debt-stacking spread sheet, and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Within two years, we should be out of debt, and have enough money in the bank to cover ourselves if Lon has another gap between contracts.
People have been SO generous with us, helping us out and blessing us with gifts of money and support through prayer, and one person has offered a low interest loan so we can pay off some other debts. All are GREATLY appreciated. It has all created a sense of God taking CARE of us. Providing a way to replace the things that were lost, and even enough extra to do a couple of special things, like sending Emma out for camp at MiVoden, and planning a trip to Hawaii for Lon and I for our 25th. I hope that doesn't seem extravagant. Most people have said nice things like "What a blessing - You need that" - but I'm still concerned that people who gave to us will wonder about the way we are using the money. It is a trip we promised to Lon's folks 25 years ago, when they had their 25th the year we got married and didn't get to do much because they were helping with the wedding. We said "We'll take you to Hawaii for your 50th and our 25th!" They said "We'll go before then!" and they have not - we consider it a direct blessing, and honestly, there was ONE donation that covered ALL of it, AND Emma's camp trip, so it was CLEAR that it was something God wanted us to do! What a blessing that He has even seen to making sure that we can keep that promise we made, even though Lon's folks would have TOTALLY understood if we hadn't been able to. And it is no small factor that we have something to look forward to in December, either. Sort of like Emma, getting away for a bit, as she SO needed to do, we'll be able to come away, and spend some time just relaxing. That will be a good thing, I'm sure. I know that just looking forward to it has done wonders already, for BOTH Lon and I!
An area of specific prayer, as we move forward, besides the ongoing processing that is happening for ALL of us, would be Lon's study of i-OS. He wants to begin developing i-phone apps, and making a little extra $ on the side with that, to help pay the debt down even faster. So pray for him, that he will find time to work on learning that, and that he will have a clear mind, to learn it quickly. And that, once he learns it, he finds an opportunity to use his new knowledge well. We have SO felt the power of having a lot of people praying for us, and we have been richly blessed by it, on SO many different levels. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.
We have felt your love, and HIS love and we count it as a huge blessing in our lives!!
Friday, July 1, 2011
sorta back to normal
I think I can safely say that life is beginning to get back to normal. This week was spent relaxing some, working on unpacking some, doing some fun birthday stuff for Lon's and my birthdays, and generally not thinking about how the storm has impacted our lives, other than the little bit of blogging I did early in the week, in reaction to my interrupted 'sermon' last weekend, so that some of the things I had wanted to say were there, and people could read them if they wanted to.
We still have a bit of unpacking to finish up. Hopefully this weekend we will be able to get most of that done. Mostly it's the garage and the school room. Lon will work on the garage, I'll work on the school room. We need to build a new rabbit hutch before the weekend is over, so hopefully that will happen too. Poor bunny is in such a tiny cage for two months now! Emma and I built the last one in less than a day, so Lon and I ought to be able to knock it out in a few hours.
Last weekend we took time off on Sunday, to go do some fun stuff with the kids, to celebrate Lon's birthday - there is a small go-cart/amusement/water park in S. Huntsville that we did not know about until last week. I had heard about it, but had it confused with another place, down in Birmingham. Anyway, we went and drove go-carts and did a stint on the bumper cars. It was very fun! The boys particularly enjoyed themselves - they were pretty thrilled that they got to DRIVE!! They did a pretty good job, too!
Wednesday was my birthday and while the day it's self was nothing particularly special, yesterday was alot of fun. I drove up to Nashville in the afternoon, and picked Lon up from work, and we went downtown to eat YUMMY Indian food at an all vegetarian restaurant, and then to the Tennessee Performing Arts Center for a taping of one of our favorite radio shows, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me!!" It was a nice evening with lots of laughter! Just what we needed!
It's nice to be getting into a bit of a routine, and back to normal. By the end of the weekend, boxes that need to be unpacked should no longer be a part of our life, for now. The storm shelter was installed on Monday. It feels nice to have that in. There are ALOT of big, tall, trees around us, so the thought of one of those falling on the house does make me just a tad nervous. but every time I get nervouse about it, God reminds me to trust Him.
Still working on building that relationship, trust is a big part of that.
We still have a bit of unpacking to finish up. Hopefully this weekend we will be able to get most of that done. Mostly it's the garage and the school room. Lon will work on the garage, I'll work on the school room. We need to build a new rabbit hutch before the weekend is over, so hopefully that will happen too. Poor bunny is in such a tiny cage for two months now! Emma and I built the last one in less than a day, so Lon and I ought to be able to knock it out in a few hours.
Last weekend we took time off on Sunday, to go do some fun stuff with the kids, to celebrate Lon's birthday - there is a small go-cart/amusement/water park in S. Huntsville that we did not know about until last week. I had heard about it, but had it confused with another place, down in Birmingham. Anyway, we went and drove go-carts and did a stint on the bumper cars. It was very fun! The boys particularly enjoyed themselves - they were pretty thrilled that they got to DRIVE!! They did a pretty good job, too!
Wednesday was my birthday and while the day it's self was nothing particularly special, yesterday was alot of fun. I drove up to Nashville in the afternoon, and picked Lon up from work, and we went downtown to eat YUMMY Indian food at an all vegetarian restaurant, and then to the Tennessee Performing Arts Center for a taping of one of our favorite radio shows, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me!!" It was a nice evening with lots of laughter! Just what we needed!
It's nice to be getting into a bit of a routine, and back to normal. By the end of the weekend, boxes that need to be unpacked should no longer be a part of our life, for now. The storm shelter was installed on Monday. It feels nice to have that in. There are ALOT of big, tall, trees around us, so the thought of one of those falling on the house does make me just a tad nervous. but every time I get nervouse about it, God reminds me to trust Him.
Still working on building that relationship, trust is a big part of that.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Some thoughts...
Having (sort of) shared my testimony on Sabbath, I've done a bit of processing lately and I have some thoughts I would like to share. They sort of relate to the storm, in that the storm has certainly cemented these thoughts, but many of them were rattling around in my head, even before the storms hit. I know that some of them might be difficult for some people to swallow. I know I would have had a hard time accepting parts of them several years ago. But, for now, this is my experience and you can take it as just that, my experience.
So, here goes. I believe that God is willing to TAKE you to difficult, even sometimes hurtful places, in order to draw you into a more intimate relationship with him. Alot of people have a very hard time with the thought that God would LET anything bad happen to you, let alone cause it. The problem with that is that 'bad' is totally a matter of perception. I have a friend who had a house fire once. They lost everything! That sounds just awful to most of us. She now counts it as one of her biggest blessings. We are feeling the same way about the storms at this point. Not only because of the physical/financial blessings that have come about because of it, but mostly because of how it has helped us to feel God's abiding presence in our lives, particularly me, and a certainty that He is here with us, interested in our lives, and acting for our better good. If it took living through a tornado for me to get to that point where doubt was no longer a plague that dogged my spiritual steps, then I say bring it!! (not sure I would have said "bring it" on April 26 though)
The unexpected outcome of this is also what it has done to fear in my life. I have other fears (what mother doesn't?). Tornadoes used to be a pretty big one - actually they still are, in a new, different way - because I KNOW -- but whenever I start to get fearful about something, I remember, "Hey - God kept us safe, protected our lives and even our stuff, and blessed us in the midst of a BAD tornado - WHAT am I worried about - we are in His hands" There are other fears, things I don't like to talk about, or even think about. But when they do pop into my head I find myself remembering the way that God was with us in the storm and I know that God would be with us if we were ever to have to actually face that other fear too.
I hope I can help the kids internalize this too.
And the love is awakening too. When I think about the fact that I can rest in the knowledge that God has us covered, and really let that sink in to the core of my being, love automatically begins to blossom there. How can it not?
I know my heart is a bit 'thick skinned' from previous hurts, and depressions, etc that I have experienced. I have prayed for God to bring healing, and a healthy emotional state, so that I could FEEL His love for me, and FEEL love for Him. I knew He was the only source for the healing that I needed. I did not expect Him to take me through one of my biggest fears to get me there, but in hindsight it was (obviously - he IS God, after all) the PERFECT thing to get me to the point I needed to be at.
The question I continue to have is: do I trust God enough to give Him full license to do whatever it takes to draw me into an even closer walk with Him? It might be a rough road for a while, it might hurt, but in the end, I suspect it will be SO worth it. I do know one thing - I hunger for that closeness to continue to grow, the little taste I have had has put a desire for more into my heart.
So, here goes. I believe that God is willing to TAKE you to difficult, even sometimes hurtful places, in order to draw you into a more intimate relationship with him. Alot of people have a very hard time with the thought that God would LET anything bad happen to you, let alone cause it. The problem with that is that 'bad' is totally a matter of perception. I have a friend who had a house fire once. They lost everything! That sounds just awful to most of us. She now counts it as one of her biggest blessings. We are feeling the same way about the storms at this point. Not only because of the physical/financial blessings that have come about because of it, but mostly because of how it has helped us to feel God's abiding presence in our lives, particularly me, and a certainty that He is here with us, interested in our lives, and acting for our better good. If it took living through a tornado for me to get to that point where doubt was no longer a plague that dogged my spiritual steps, then I say bring it!! (not sure I would have said "bring it" on April 26 though)
The unexpected outcome of this is also what it has done to fear in my life. I have other fears (what mother doesn't?). Tornadoes used to be a pretty big one - actually they still are, in a new, different way - because I KNOW -- but whenever I start to get fearful about something, I remember, "Hey - God kept us safe, protected our lives and even our stuff, and blessed us in the midst of a BAD tornado - WHAT am I worried about - we are in His hands" There are other fears, things I don't like to talk about, or even think about. But when they do pop into my head I find myself remembering the way that God was with us in the storm and I know that God would be with us if we were ever to have to actually face that other fear too.
I hope I can help the kids internalize this too.
And the love is awakening too. When I think about the fact that I can rest in the knowledge that God has us covered, and really let that sink in to the core of my being, love automatically begins to blossom there. How can it not?
I know my heart is a bit 'thick skinned' from previous hurts, and depressions, etc that I have experienced. I have prayed for God to bring healing, and a healthy emotional state, so that I could FEEL His love for me, and FEEL love for Him. I knew He was the only source for the healing that I needed. I did not expect Him to take me through one of my biggest fears to get me there, but in hindsight it was (obviously - he IS God, after all) the PERFECT thing to get me to the point I needed to be at.
The question I continue to have is: do I trust God enough to give Him full license to do whatever it takes to draw me into an even closer walk with Him? It might be a rough road for a while, it might hurt, but in the end, I suspect it will be SO worth it. I do know one thing - I hunger for that closeness to continue to grow, the little taste I have had has put a desire for more into my heart.
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