It's Like a Mirror

I'm going to be honest right up front.   Adoption is HARD work and there are days when I wonder WHAT we were THINKING!!  There are even days when I wonder if we really heard God telling us to do it, or if we were just chasing after our own dreams of the 'beautiful thing we could do'.  There are times when I daydream about what my life would be like if we had not adopted.  Peacefulness is the picture I get.  But when I'm BRUTALLY honest with myself, and really let myself open up to the TRUE thoughts, deep down inside.  I know that God brought us to adoption because of what He knew we needed to learn about ourselves in the process.  (well, for me, it's what I needed to learn in the process, I guess it's not fair for me to address what Lon might need, or what the three older girls might have needed)

If you are not familiar with Reactive Attachment Disorder, I would encourage you to spend a little time educating your self.  I can give you a quick synopsis here, but it's only the tip of the iceburg.

Basically, because these kids (all RAD kids - of which, ours are on the 'minimally affected' end of the spectrum) don't have an opportunity to form emotional bonds with a trust-able adult at a young age they go through life with a whole different take on things.  They assume that no one is on their side, no one wants to help them.  That they need to be always on the watch-out for their own best interest.  That they need to take care of themselves.

This manifests in many troubling ways.  They lie.  A lot.  They steal. They argue over EVERYTHING.  They are VERY irresponsible.  They literally CAN not reason from cause to affect (as in 'when I do this, I will have this consequence') (it is a brain development thing, and because of the lack of nurturing in infancy, that part of their brain does not develop) They blame everyone but themselves for their problems.  They gorge themselves on food. (again a brain development thing)... the list goes on. 

Now, some of those things, on that list, may seem like normal behavior.  But not at the level and intensity and frequency that we deal with it. 

I'm not having a pity party here.  I may be trying to educate you, a bit.  Partly because I know that when I didn't understand it I didn't 'get' it either.  (or at least before I lived it, I had no CLUE, because 'understanding' it is an on-going process, which I can not claim, even now, after living with it as long as I have)  But the real point I want to make is that many of these behaviors are things that God knew He needed to work on in His and my relationship, and I believe that He knew that the best way to reach me, in that 'emotionally bankrupt' place, was to provide me with two little mirrors to my own soul.  (Two of our children are much more affected by RAD than the third adopted one, because we were able to get him at a MUCH younger age and provide him with stable, bonding opportunities, where the other two did NOT get that)

It is amazing to me, how many times Mayahna's behavior throws up in my face some way in which I need to grow in my relationship with God.

Just this morning, we were dealing with an on-going problem we have, in that she needs pretty much constant supervision, and so, she is not allowed to get out of her bed in the morning, until I'm ready to provide that for her.  She may get up and go potty, but she has to go back to bed, and wait for Mommy to invite her to get up.   Often, this means she is awake in the next room, laying quietly on her bed for 20-30 minutes, while I do my quiet time in the morning.  Today, I got up, and went into the kitchen (at which point I TYPICALLY will call her to come in with me, because she LOVES to watch me cook, and help a little as she is able, and I enjoy having her there for that) but I knew I was going to do a 5 minute job and then go back to bed and have my quiet time.  So, I told her (from the kitchen) that she could turn her light on and look at books quietly.  She decided instead, that I must have meant that she could come into the kitchen and watch me cook, and came in and said "Mommy, can I get up now?" - - I asked her "what did I just tell you you could do?"  She repeated, word for word, what I had said about the light and the books.  I sent her back to bed, no light, no books.  She got mad. 

So, this is how God reached into my heart through this one.  Mayahna didn't know all of the details behind what I decided.  As the parent, I'm not required to explain to her that I'm only going to be in the kitchen for a few minutes to put breakfast in the oven, then I'm going back to bed for nearly an hour, to have my quiet time.  And I know that's a long time, for her to have to lay on her bed, so I want to bless her with the extra privilege of having books and the light on.  All she sees is that she wants to be in the kitchen with me, and I'm not letting her do that.  How many times do I decide how I want God to bless me, and in the process miss out on the blessing He IS trying to give me, because I'm not getting the one I WANT?  Ouch.  How many times do I try to orchestrate things, for Him, because He MUST need my help!?  Ouch.  How many times do I get mad at Him, when what He was trying to do was bless me, and I just couldn't see it?  Ouch.   

Thank you God, for the little mirrors you blessed us with, when you took us down this adoption road.  Help me to remember that the lack of peace in my family might be your way of helping me grow closer to YOU, which is the REAL goal.  And thank you for being the Loving Parent that I need, and giving me the perfect example to follow.